a jade parade

a thousand dreams that would awake me/ different colors made of tears

I remember reading somewhere a quote that was awfully similar to this different colors made of tears vu quote, but I don't remember where. Well, I remember the book, but not where in the book, or whom the quote was by. I need to write things down more faithfully, I think.


my pop-pop is okay, leaving the hospital soon; they removed most of the cerebral tumor, and are going to be implementing spot radiation therapy on his other brain tumor, as well as the tumor in his lung.

I've been stewing in a mopey rice soup. Nice and soft now, I'm working on my site as best as I can-- camera issues, photographer issues, model issues, etc. all holding me up, of course it has Nothing to do with me. No No No. Not at all. Distance Distance miles kilometers etc.

Saw kubrick's lolita today, it was pretty good. I really liked a lot of Dolores' outfits, such as that cute dress from camp, and the outfit at the end where she was pregnant but of course not really (the actress).

My feet are absurdly battered. Blisters, open sores, scabs, new calluses; from two days with no socks, once in a hurry with my rainboots, and then the next day in a rush with my slippers. They bled a bit in the boots, but it cleaned up fine. I wish my feet weren't so fat and piggly. When I was younger I wanted to have enormous feet. 10+, because I thought that would mean that I would have to be tall. I couldn't wish to be tall, because then I would jinx it, you see- so I wished for really big feet. Unfortunately I got my wish, and I'm often a sz. 10, but I can float as low as 9 with certain shoes. Plus they always have to be wide. I most definately have hobbit feet. I'm usually really good at forgetting how hideous I am, but a glimpse of my feet yanks me back to the truth. Plus they are so easily stifled, I hate to wear shoes indoors, and I wear socks all the time outside, but now that my main mode of transportation is 20+ minute walks, shoes have become an unwelcome necessity.

Yeah, ew. Enough of that.

I'm getting worse at talking to people.
I can't get a job; interviews terrify me anymore.

Um, what else? Oh yeah, harry potter, what the hell, I hate the epilogue. I went to the mit coop party at midnight to get the book. Hardly a party, but I got in line nice & early! <3 Walked straight home, had some annies & a riblet, and read the freakin brick. Took three breaks to pet cats and sneak up on brian, wrapped things up around 6:20, danced around a bit in brian's face over harry not dying like he said, and then emailed my family that I was finished and going to get my fugly sleep!

the last thing I have on my mind..

"you're such a beautiful writer
that's not all you are.."

Goodness! I remember joe making fun of camera obscura: their jangly intros, but I'm really feeling them lately..

My family is coming to visit today. I've got a bunch of stuff to clean. Not really. Just have to vaccuumm and clean the kitchen. >,<

Everything is pretty horrible, but I am trying really hard so that's okay. My pop-pop has two brain tumors, and they are doing investigative surgery into his head today. I am so scared and worried and useless. I am so scared to call my grandmom, i know I should but I don't want to, I am too scared. I'll go NUTS.

I'm throwing everything into this website idea, I hope it works. I've got brian on board, and I just made a lot of purchases last night. Now I just have to work on the clothes part, which should be easy enough. I have so many clothes!!!!! Being all skinny for the pics will be okay too, I haven't been able to eat that much lately. I had some pizza yesterday, so that's good. I think I've almost dropped a size, but I'm still a bit jiggly. My hands certainly aren't as fat as usual, but they are still pretty chunky. I just wish I had someone to take the pictures, because brian can't quite be counted on there, although he does try.

I'm still having dreams. does everyone dream like this?

"you're a beautiful writer,
that's not all you are.."

I've been looking into wheatpastes, and I am totally going to do some as soon as possible. I want to put up giant kittens and dandilions first. eight feet tall. I've got a good spot, I just need practice. My walls have certainly been empty enough for soo long.

Been mulling over tatoos and hair dye and eyeliner. I'm too lame to get a tatoo, and I'll never get a job with colored hair, but I could learn how to use eyeliner I guess. Make-up is so mystifying. My favourite love songs are all by the ramones. Except for voltaic crusher, if that qualifies. and a few weezer songs...

Everyone good has a good penname/nom de guerre/made-up-last-name.

"who knows? not me. we never lost control"

Facile remedium est ubertati; sterilia nullo labore vincuntur. -- Quintillium, Institutio Oratoria, II, 4, 6

I found this the other day, I really like it. That it is in latin gives it a certain GRAVITAS...hahaha!

'Winter is white on turf & tree,
And birds have fled;
But summer songsters pipe to me,
And petals spread,
For what I dreamt of secretly
His lips have said!'

--Thomas Hardy, The Seasons of Her Year, I

haha. I used to like how this sounds out loud. Notice, that was only part one..perhaps if i went back to it I would read how part one was part three's dream.

"If he met any one good-- were there any good people left in the world, or did they all live in white apartment-houses now? Was everyone followed in the moonlight?" --Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise

Ah, yes... someone sane, simple, and good. check check check

"I should fancy that crime was to them what art is to us, simply a method of procuring extraordinary sensations." --Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

oh oscar, you always say it the most eloquently.

don't call me whitney, bobby: doot doot, doot doot..

notes i made last week from a dream i had:

" i was her assistant, pile of clothes like leaves like tires in recess like garbage pile with the children in the holocaust book- burrows like prarie dogs hiding together now never always in the dark the sounds of his body the warmth the air vibrates is that his heart never never found the glasses on the beach in the dark again always the bruise no sleep sleep sleep legos puppet swords corderoy fights "


maybe if i take notes they'll stop

'Do you dream at all?'


Alex Henley?


Ingenita levitas et erudita vanitas. haha thank you chickpea!!<333

'and i am blue. i am blue. and unwell. made me bold, like a whore.'

I've gotten back into Neopets! I made a new account so I can be a newbie with Brian, who seems to like it enough. I've been playing Black & White 2, and it is pretty fun. I am on the second Japanese world. Been listening to bottoms of barrels on vinyl. Teaching brian how to draw, made a syllabus and everything. One hour a day plus homework. Got a job at Tang Desk. Need another job. Going to the Clearwater Festival!!! TODAY! I'm not right right now. I'll revise later. All the right words. I love mustard sandwiches and harry potter. God the emmy's christmas thing on potter puppet pals is hilarious! Posted pictures from going home, gosh I have a fat face.

So yesterday I had ballet, and it was a nice walk through the common and stuff. I was totally out of place though, in pink tights with green shorts with dye variations, and a leotard under a green kurta with red sanskrit. plus birks and a gym bag. >,< So on the way back I eliminated the shorts and was a little scared but much more comfortable. Brian was with me, and he bought me a lovely root beer float. Class was fun, but I am kind of really uncoordinated and way off in the timing at the same time. So when I finally do get what I'm supposed to be doing, I am completely out of step with everyone else.

It was so crazy hot out yesterday!

Today seems to be similar, and brian & I are already stressing about air conditioning. Today is one of those days where clothes seem to stick in all the wrong places, and are just really hot and icky. So I'm wearing this giant oversized shirt from a marina in nj, and some blue thai pants. Nice and airy! I also look like aunt marge after the inflation, but whatever.

Brian made a staples order the other day, and it came on monday, and he bought me lovely pens!! Pilot razor points, and pilot p-500's. Best penz evar.

I am going to meet brian for some rice at 11:00. I'm all packed up, with a workbook to keep me company.

Tonight I have a volunteer coordination meeting for the science expo tomorrow, and then i have tennis from 8-9 and then work from 10-2am. So that means laundry-ing is going to have to be done soon. I want to practice my ballet jumps too, so I can get better and stuff.

I walked all around yesterday morning, and took some pictures, they're posted up on my facebook. ROFL.

God, I totally need a shirt "CCAA Booty Patrol." I would be too embarrassed to wear it, but I would just look at it in my closet and laugh all the time. omfg i love of montreal.

Brian and I played tennis after we got back from ballet, and we are totally getting good. Every serve, we can volley for at least three hits, which is so awesome for us. We played until I couldn't see the ball anymore. I feel like playing right now, but he's got classes till 3pm, so I don't have anyone to play with. boo hoo.

I really want to get on a summer soccer league, but I can't find one/figure out how to find one. Plus I need to tie down a job first. Brian's going to be working at the reactor, so I want to get a daytime job too. I hope the campus convenience at BU comes through. It will be easy and boring, but it will be easy and boring. You know. I can pretty much space out the whole time and get paid poorly, but get the hours I want. It would be nice to have a real job, or a sweet internship, but ehh. Hopefully I'll be able to take summer classes at night! That should spice things up!

Spicy spicy!

'it's just verbosity to me!'

Oh yeah, so I am totally making a sweet magazine. <3!

^,..,^

So, I really haven't written in a long time, and I'm sorry. I've been sleeping a lot, tons of dreams, blagh blagh. Today was pretty super. I was up really early and around 6am I went out to my little garden plot and I raked all the leaves off it, then I weeded out all the green bits, and now it is ready to receive the seedlings that I have not started. I tried to plan out a general idea for where things are to go, but I keep thinking of ridiculous things, like arabian-esque wooden screens and gazebos with silk swings. Right, and where is all of this going to go? I actually did plan it all out one night, drew up schematics for a gazebo and made approximate measurements, and tallied up a list of supplies. It takes a phenomenal amount of wood to build a gazebo!! I double checked my numbers and called my father to make sure, and he confirmed it. Gazebos are just craploads of wood and money.

Anyway! I played some bad tennis with brian today. I can serve okay, and I can return usually, but I have no backhand whatsoever. I've been trying to use two hands instead of one, but all I can think of is the squid & the whale showdown over which method of backhand-ing is best. Then we walked around by the river for a bit, and plopped on a bench to watch the sailboats. Somehow we got to talking about clamming, which apparently brian thought was done with your toes, but I've never heard of that. My family usually wears waders and uses a clamrake. I mean...feet? toes? Sorry, no way. Too many spidercrabs. I really liked clamming, even when I stopped actually clamming and basically just ran around hunting down any creature too stupid or slow to escape me. I used to bring my sketchbook, and I've got so many boring sterile pages of line drawings of aquatic life, complimented by the later scrawled in latin names- which are mostly entirely illegible, as I had to write two letters at a time, and th ew ho le th in gl oo ks li ke th is. Ugh.

I've been so obsessed with Hissing Fauna... It's just so perfect for now.

I made tacos today for a late lunch! Yummy tacos. They are so easy to make, I found this really great TVP pre-seasoned stuff for $1.99 a box, and it is very tasty.

It has been really warm and nice here lately, but it kind of makes me want to spray a hose on the sidewalk or something. I love that smell, when you turn a hose on a hot sidewalk. It's probably fumes from the sidewalk stuff subliming into my nose. yum.

I saw Harold and Maude not so long ago, and it was very nice. I can't believe I hesitated for so long to see it! I loved Harold's staged suicides, especially the one with the blood all over the bathroom. The hanging kind of frightened me a bit, as I couldn't figure out how he was not choking. I guess I didn't pay enough attention, but that was probably because he was so cute! I loved those pants and jackets he kept wearing. I wanted them, I guess. His totally rail thin legs completely reminded me of Spike from Cowboy Bebop. <3

I read Sense and Sensibility Friday, and it was pretty good. I remembered about two chapters in that I had read it already, so that was a bit of a bummer, but it was when I was pretty young, (8/9yrs.) so I didn't remember some details. Pretty much the only thing I did remember was who ended up with whom, and that there was something weird and nasty with that Nancy Steele. So it took away the suspense, but it was still pleasurable.

Last night at work I did 32 pages from this workbook I got! whoo.

I saw a horrible re-make of Sabrina early this morning, with Harrison Ford. It had the best cheesy line ever, and I am totally going to use it every single opportunity I get. "He's the world's only living heart donor." Not many opportunities, but I love it. It's oozing with Velveta. It's got absolutely nothing on the original, of course. The actress seems (to me at least, and I know nothing,) to be so obviously attempting to imitate Audrey Hepburn characteristics, without even attempting to give them her own modern twist or whatever. But yeah, uh huh, whatever.

ugh, if I twist my arm a certain way, my knuckles are on fire, from when the nurse tried to take my blood for the 4th time and hit a nerve. It hurts!

"I can't even pretend that you are my friend
What has happened to you and I?
And don't say that I have changed
'Cause man, of course I have"

So today I did the whole internet stalker thing and looked up all these people from my elementary school. I was only impressed with one of them. (which is kind of what I expected...) My hair is getting staticky and sticking to my face like mad. It is very annoying! I had 2 sodas today so I am kind of energized, plus I had some Jolly Ranchers while I was watching The Rock, which I watched while Brian was at Tae Kwon Do, because I like to watch action movies then. Really anything with guns that isn't horror or war-horror. I had a little nap today, or really, yesterday, and I managed to miss ballet again. I do feel bad about that, and brian was trying awfully hard to wake me up, but I am kind of scared to go. Plus, I worry that if it isn't horribly bogus to begin with, then I will actually have fun or something, which is something I definitely can not afford.

Which reminds me! I still don't have a job. I've been sending emails all over the place, and I think pretty soon I am going to have to drop my spring classes, because with an income of $0, there isn't much you can afford. School is up there on my priorities list, for sure, but without a job, there is no way I can expect to have $1,000 ready to hand over on Feb. 10th, and every month after that! On top of which I need $500 rent a month. Yikes!

I know it is horrible, but LUX is looking depressing, and I think I want to work for a magazine. There isn't a magazine in the world that would even hire me for an internship though, because I am only fairly average with InDesign, and I have no Quark experience. Plus, I am an idiot. Oh, and I'm fat & stupid & ugly! RWAR!!! Take that self-esteem!!!!

I am so psyched about the State of the Union tonight. I think I am kind of hoping that it will make me feel better by being all "we're in a world of shit" but not really in so many words. Today brian had a really long AIM conversation, which is something I had forgotten even existed. Maybe I should start talking to people. There really isn't anyone to talk to though. It wouldn't be fun either. I think I'd rather run a mile.

my grandmother forwarded me one of those chain email things- this one was about baby pandas. Baby Pandas are adorable. I have to admit it.

rwar! i just had some delicious hot chocolate!!! Today was pretty good, but one of those days you don't feel like talking about or whatever. I am kind of bouncy right now- can't settle on a song or anything. At least I have some good books to read! I can't seem to get the right temperature either- I am either too hot or too cold...It is FREEZING out, but it gets so stuffy in here so quickly. RWARRR!!! I finished reading the trashy (well, quasi-trashy) sci-fi book I had picked up for the train ride, but ultimately I rejected it. Slant by Greg Bear. It was O.K. I remember reading a few of his other books a few (2?) years ago- Darwin's Radio, and the others in that series. I remember them to be pretty good, and some of the ideas stayed with me so vividly for so long.

Sososo, now I am starting on one of my new course books- Invitation to Anthropology ! WHOAZ. I've also got Vile Bodies here, and I am dying to read it, along with Brideshead Revisited. I also picked up some more interesting books at the thrift store. Rwar! MUST READZ ME SOME BUUKZZ!

oh man. remember boku's? dayyyum.

Today I saw Red Doors with Brian, and it was pretty great, except brian made fun of me for not watching the kissing scenes. (j/k) I got my official card and everything, so I got into the film for free. I also went to Umass and got my phone from anna's desk. Hooray! Phone!! I filled out an application at the Harvard Coop, but they don't need anyone for the hours I can work anyway. Tomorrow I am going to walk over to Trader Joe's and apply for the night shift, I think. I also sent out an email about another job. Umm, what else did I accomplish today?? Oh yeah, we went to the bank & I finally deposited my Grandmother's check.. so yeah.. That's good. But I need a job as of yesterday. Well, really.. more like a week ago.

So yeah, between my mom & brian I raised $55 for the Brattle watch-a-thon. yay!

I can't wait for my anthropology books to come in the mail!! Oh, right! I sent out all those packages today! The postman was horribly cranky and he crossed out a lot of my design on the one package. I had duplicated my address in a column, and he crossed all but 2 of them out. What a dickhead! Why did he do that? Are postmen so idiotic that they can't read a 2 line address that repeats itself???? He officially made me lose faith in sending mail at all. What a jerkwad.


UGGGHHH. Anyway! I am excited about going back to the Brattle tomorrow! Trader Joe's will also be fun, but I really want to see Linda Linda Linda now that Red Doors was so awesome. I want some pizza.. I am so hungry.. this dieting thing isn't that fun at all. I've been eating RICECAKES. EW.

I just watched this ridiculous movie with brian- I had asked him to pick out a really bad action movie, and it was a perfect choice: Die Hard 2: Die Harder. I can't think of the last time I laughed so hard for so long.

I've developed the habit of waiting up to see the new day's Questionable Content. It's still not up. Today I made a bunch of things to mail out to lots of people. Yesterday brian & I went out adventuring after dark & I got some keys off an old keyboard, and we walked a couple miles and found a trader joe's & a whole foods. I can't wait until we are moved in and settled and I can go back and buy some flowers & seeds. I am scheming multi-layered hanging shelves with rubber grips! I am also hoping to grow corn...I found this really awesome looking variation on Seeds of Change, where I picked out a million things I want to grow. All of the vegetables I picked were purple..

I've been avoiding sweets as best as I can, and I am already imagining a difference. Plus, I am really sore from moving the other day.

I got all dressed up and went and suprised Brian when he came out of tkd. I wasn't cold at all the way there, so I didn't wear a jacket, but it was raining on the way back & quite chilly. Thankfully we took frequent hug breaks.

I have a lot to do tomorrow (Tuesday,) and I can't wait to start. I need to go to the bank, to UMass, to my apt, to find a job, to mail packages, and hopefully in celebration of things accomplished, to see a film. (or two! the brattle is playing Red Doors & Linda Linda Linda...!)

Okay, so I just signed up for the Brattle's Film watching contest.. If for some deranged reason you want to sponsor me, here is the link: http://www.firstgiving.com/jadeparade

Awesome..For some reason I still can't view today's QC..

Time to try to sleep!

I am quite happy today! I got the February Martha Stewart!! It is BEAUTIFUL, as always! I think that has got to be one of my dream jobs- making the beautiful Martha Stewart Living magazines. Something in the art department I guess.

With Brian's help, I also moved some stuff over to his apartment today! Lots of clothes, which are soaking in the wash right now, and some pots & pans that I'll get to make dinner with tonight!! whoo! I am so excited! I am going to make Annie's bunny shells and mix it up with some fake beef stuff.. RWAR! I am so psyched about being able to have a big fridge and oven to use exclusively- I won't have to worry about other people's scummy crap and etc. I am going to cook so much! I already know that I won't be able to work at all on Mondays, so I could do a lot of cooking that day and freeze it for later in the week, or just refrigerate it.

My pants got so soaking wet today when we were moving stuff. It isn't raining that bad, but the puddles are everywhere. Soon I'll have my rainboots with me though! I'll have dry feets & legs!

I also videoconfrenced with my family today, which was really nice.

The odor-neutralizing spray really worked in my apt. & I left a glade thing plugged in, so hopefully that will help too. The cat-pee smell REALLY is getting old.

I stopped to see about a job at Au Bon Pain today, but there were 5 people there working, and 3 of them were just sitting around doing nothing. I'll have to check up in Harvard Square on Tuesday, when I go to the bank.

Speaking of bank, last night I picked up a sweet program called iCash, which will hopefully let me map out the flow of my monies and scale things back in appropriate areas, etc. I've entered 2 months of transactions, but I still have 4ish to go. (ughhh.)

Tomorrow is ballet, but I don't know if it is cancelled because of Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I wish I had gone to last week's meeting, but I was really feeling sick. I don't have a leotard or anything, and it didn't say you needed one, just "dance or loose fitting clothes, and ballet slippers" So I have the slippers, and they fit great, which is good, because I was worried about that, as I ordered them online.

I think it might be about time to go check the laundry...

I wish I could sustain coorespondances.